Okay here is the deal, I originally wrote this many months ago. I understand you may have seen this on my MySpace or Facebook but since I have a blog now, I thought I’d donate this rant onto my blog for your viewing. This entire review was also posted by me on Gamespot where I got a three week ban for about 12-15 violations of their agreement so I feel honoured it got their fucking attention. You may find most of this post with vast amounts of swearing as I was so annoyed at the time of writing this. It only took 20mins to write but I’ll let you read.
Double Dragon, a much loved arcade classic. I first came across this game on the Nintendo Gameboy and SEGA Master System and I really like this game. Its difficult but I don’t care about the difficulty, it was challenging and one of the first side scrolling action games I played and I appreciated it. Now about over 15 years later, I come across a remake of this classic which is now on Xbox LIVE Arcade but sadly it didn’t make the same impact it did all those years ago…….far from it so here I begin….
Double Dragon has to be to all honesty the shittiest game available for XBOX Live Arcade, not only does it suck vast amounts of ass, it looks really shit, plays shit, sounds shit and the game play in general….oh hell its quite shit.
This title screen is pretty much the most positive thing but from when you press the A Button…it sucks
The Enhanced Graphics suck ass, looks clear but the sprites suck!! It looks like a Flash Game which you would see on those crap “Free Flash Games!” websites, that’s where shit releases like this belong. A brilliant feature in this game is the
crappy animation and ARGGGHHHH I HATE THIS VERSION SOOO MUCH!!!!
The Music gets on my tits after 2 mins, sounds like a shitty arrange soundtrack with MIDI in it, the sound effects sound like from a budget cartoon or something even worse game play really fucking sucks, I mean why the fuck does it allow you to beat up your friend on Co-Op mode? CO-OP MEANS YOU WORK TOGETHER, NOT ACCIDENTLY BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA EACH OTHER LIKE SOME STUPID E.O MODE “I MANAGED TO COMPLETLY AVOID THE OBJECTIVE, BE A MASTER AT SOME RETARDED MARTIAL ART AND STILL FIGHT CRAP”.
You think thats bad, wait til you later play the game and its starting to slowdown!!! Its unplayable when it slows down like many games, getting achievements like “Third Base” are a bastard to get thanks to the excellent slowdown feature which no one wants in a game. But thanks to the developers of this port, they granted no ones request and made me fustrated, kudos to shit emulation and maintaining a frame rate.
One instance is when you drop from a little height, you still fucking die or land face first!! Could have made them land on their feet, I MEAN THEIR GRAND MASTERS OF A MARTIAL ART!!!! WHY NOT!!! Stupid game! The other thing is, there is so much palette swapping in this game like the big muscular guy in this game, hes white, then black and then green, he looks like a retarded crossover of Mr. T and the Incredible Hulk when hes “Mean and Green!” I mean the character design sucks huge amounts of ass, they look like they’re incest and its a lazy effort overall, only difference between them is “Whos gonna make your Double Dragon Experience more fustrating!”
You save….this whore!
The “Damsel in Distress” known as Maria looks more like a prostitute thanks to the consistant exposures of her white panties, I mean the game treats you to her underwear, but you gotta go through a shit game to see it. Better off Google-ing for stuff like that, your favorite pin-up will provide that hopefully 
Why would you go through a fustrating game with the most annoying sounds in the game and fucked up gameplay to save a prostitute. The Double Dragons clearly don’t look like pimps (or must be Chinese Pimps in disguise) so why are they fighting for this “Prostitute” and when you completed the game (I feel sorry for you) you gotta fight each other, so I let Carlo kick my ass and get the achievement for Get the Girl because we were both so fucked off with this “Flash Game” it deserved to be deleted from the XBOX 360.
Oh and she dies at the start of the second game so the first Double Dragon game is completly useless unless you like devoting your time to shit games.
They all do a grand job of challenging the gamer to make the gamer so fustrated because this game is a pile of shit which happened to land onto a XBOX 360. The console itself is amazing, has a crap manufacturing quality and brilliant games but sadly games like this wish to rip you off blatently so you can get achievement points to make you look 1337 when people look at yout Gamertag. Getting the achievements on this game will piss you off, I mean 5 points for 20,000!? Give more like 15 thanks! Theres also Get the Girl which is more points, but is freeking easy with a friend, just take fucking turns. I wouldnt waste my time trying coz I hate it that much. Its the worst game I’ve ever played on 360.
Its supposed to be a powerful machine and all, AND IT HAS SLOWDOWN. MAJOR BIG ASS SLOWDOWNS!!! WORSE THAN MORTAL KOMBAT II ONLINE FOR PS3!!!
Gamespot gave this game a 6.9!? WTF!? They blatently got funded by Microsoft or someone to give it a good rating, Calling All Cars got 6.7 and IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS SHITE CONVERSION OF AN ARCADE CLASSIC, OH HECK THE GAME BOY VERSION OF DOUBLE DRAGON IS BETTER!!!!
I mean, Major Ass Slowdowns, Fustrating Gameplay, Crap Gameplay, Crap Achievement Points System, Short Game, Shitty Graphic Enhancement.and IT STILL GOT 6.9!!!
Calling All Cars got 6.7, it doesnt have Slowdowns, the gameplay isnt easy but everyone likes a challenge, great multiplayer, music and sound effects are good, online mode is awesome, NO LAGS, NO SLOWDOWNS, GRAPHICS DONT LOOK SHIT but its limited on levels I’ll give it that but its much more enjoyable than Double Dragon.
To make things simple and easier, Double Dragon on the XBOX 360 is the epitome of shit. It should be a definition in the dictionary under “Failure” or “Shit” because this 360 version easily qualifies for that term easily.
Now I’m off to find better games to play on 360 and PS3 thank you, back to Motorstorm and Dead Rising for me.
Recent Comments